The lyrics from the group Danity Kane's "Is Anybody Listening", is singing my life with its song. I'm in a weird place right now. I kind of thought I would be posting twice a month but writing is my medicine, so I guess I will be posting as much as I need to. Anybody'swho, yesterday I expressed a dramatic soliloquy, "I feel like drawing the velvet curtains, shutting off the lights, and unplugging the mic. I wanna walk away from it all." Nothing more and nothing less. But enough that my bestfriend (my one woman audience) understood without any added fervor. (I love her!)
I never thought that I would be here. So how did I get here? Why do I feel like a sugar cube dissolving in a cup of Pepsi? If there's one candle sitting in the dark room, what happens when the candle loses its fire? Last night I cried so hard I almost brought about an asthma attack. But strangely the release felt better than trying to sit there and pretend I didn't have to cry. I've given my all to various ministries I belong to without pause. Now out of nowhere I feel tired. But how and why? The artist Drake said it for me, "I'm really too young to be feeling this old." Further more I'm feeling like Tamela Mann all day when she sang, "I''m all churched out." So I shake my head at it all. What's my flippin' problem? I believe I have been spending a substantial amount of time and taxing my energy trying to push up low ceilings. burst through small doors, and find windows that don't exist!
GROWTH!
"Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievment, and success have no meaning." *Benjamin Franklin*
Flowers outgrow the pot and superman in all of his splendor will never fit in a fish bowl. I have to continuously be in environments where I can grow or I start to feel claustophobic. The environment has to either be growing with me or in a position where there is a large expanse for rich growth. I'm so tired of running into people who refuse to help me out of fear that I may replace or "outshiine" them (for the LIFE of me I hate that flippin' word!) I'm tired of the lack of support I recieve when everything I have ever done to help others have involved my full support.
In my most painful Lauryn Hill voice "Tell me who I have to be, to get some RE-CI-PROCITY?" I'm tired of feeling in inept, not worthy, or not good enough. I'm fearless and competitve but when it comes to a team of God fighting against the devil, we're in this together! I'm not trying to compete against you nor do I want to. But if you took the time to really sit down and get to know me, you would know that I "DO" to 'LIVE". My life depends on my constant productivity.
So I thought, Jesus experienced a bit of all of this and what did he do? He went on to finish the task at hand, one of the greatest tasks in the world! I thought about escaping the pains of this struggle and relocating and going as far away as possible. But what would that really solve? I would basically have to start all over which would frustrate me even more. I'd rather exhaust all efforts to prove to myself that my efforts aren't futile by forcing my environment to see that I am asset. If then I still can't see any room, then that's when I have to make my next move. So I don't care if this sounds selfish because like I said, "My life depends on my constant productivity." I can't thrive on doing enough to just get by and I am not an advocate of "going with the motions." I don't want your sympathies or accolades. Just give me the room I need to operate in my fullest capacity. I refuse to just sit by and do nothing when the candle loses its fire. And if anybody else is experiencing something similar in any area of your life you shouldn't want to either.
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