Keri Hilson had a song a few years back titled, "Breaking Point", basically letting her man fella know, "Looky here, ain't gone be no bullsh!t tolerated in this camp anymore playa, cuz my love has a limit!" (Can somebody say BOOM!)
"Have you ever done anything crazy for love and if so what can you tell everybody else?" That's the question my pastor asked those same nine people he put on blast last week during bible study (I'm looking forward to somebody following me this Wednesday at 6:50 RIGHT HERE!) They answered honestly too. But I was irritated. (Sometimes THE WORD will do that to ya!) I wasn't feeling nobody's cool with the fact that these discussions had me replaying memories of my LOST days. Really though, my mind trailed so far back to this place I took two jet planes and a spaceship to get away from. I was so uncomfortable ya'll, I felt nauseous.
"It ain't even that serious Tanzy. Why were you so uncomfortable?" Is that what you were thinking? Yeah, it's because this chick did A WHOLE LOT OF THINGS for the love and affection of ONE MAN CREATURE! I used to shake my head at the girls that would take a drug charge for her boo thang or sneak stuff in jail for her man. But then I stopped shaking my head at them. I moreso, started shaking my head at the....yeah I'm about to say it again...at THE STRUGGLE. The struggle between making a decision between what's RIGHT and what's WRONG! The struggle between knowing the difference between what LOVE IS and what LOVE AIN'T. You hear me?
Well hear this! After losing my virginity at the age of 19 to whom I will consider MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. The same FIRST BOYFRIEND who dumped my ballheaded self a year and some chump change later, (I lost him how I _____fill in the blank) I found myself traveling down this road of bitterness and heartache dogging guys out for fun. Then the tables turned (cue the dramatic music!) Out of nowhere, my old desires to be loved resurfaced. And it couldn't have resurfaced at a more WORSE TIME!
This guy I'm going to call him 2Face for now. He was never charming. He would tell me constantly that he didn't want to be in a relationship but his actions would not say that. (Which is why I call him 2Face) He compared me to other girls ALL THE TIME. He talked about my hair when it wasn't laying right. He talked about my face when I'd have a sudden breakout. He told me I needed to lose weight plenty of times (actually I weigh more NOW than I did then!) His anger was unprecedented. His house was ALWAYS NASTY. He was horrible with his finances, to say the least. LOL (weeeew!)
So why did I continue to stay around. Somehow I thought that I would be able to change his mind about me. Show him I was 'wifey' material. And then I also thought I could help make him better. You know like sort of fix those bad dispositions. The longer I tried to stay in, the more toxic the situation got. Mind you I"m just a girl that's given him all kinds of benefits with no title. This situation turned from bad into TERRIBLE. This is when I found myself doing crazy things FOR LOVE. I was so deeply IN LOVE with this damn man, that I even contemplated having a threesome with him, like recording a video and uploading it on Craigslist to solicit a female suitor to join us. <<<BAD------TERRIBLE>>>Inviting one of my old male friends at the time to come and have sex with me while 2FACE RECORDED the sin.
SOMEBODY SCREAM LORD JESUS!
I just thank God that he pulled me out of that foollery. (Even though I was kicking and screaming! smh) So I sit here and ask the question that of course I'm going to answer, Why would a woman allow some popped Chief Keef looking ninja treat the dog mess out of her when she can easily be treated better by someone else? I don't even know how many nice guys I turned down while I was dealing with 2Face. But why Lord? WHY? It all has to do with two magical words: SELF ESTEEM!
SELF ESTEEM- a term used to define the evaluation of how one views his or herself.
I'm going to be honest, after I lost my virginity and the one I lost it too left me. I really didn't feel too much of anything for myself. I didn't think highly of myself. My self esteem wasn't that great before I did and it made a dramatic plunge into a dark abyss afterward. I was walking around with a smelly gaping wound and 2Face sniffed me out and took advantage in every way he could......and I LET HIM all because I wanted to BE LOVED!
So, I have concluded that a SEVERELY WOUNDED WOMAN will attract THE WORSE KIND OF HEARTBREAK CROOK out there! Actually I don't even think a heartbreak crook could survive out'chere in these street if WE WOMEN would create LIMITS! These limits can easily be established if we learned the TRUE MEANING of what---->>>> LOVE IS<<<<----- Guess what else you gone have to do honeybeewise? Fix that self esteem of yours and close up them wounds. You out here leaking chile and them wolves can SMELL YOU! And you wondering why they keep sniffing you out. Last but not least. create you a kingdom. A comfortable royal haven out of your singleness. This way you won't be so thirsty to link up with just ANYTHING BREATHING and you minimize your chances of running into a heartbreak crook. Being single is NOT A CURSE dear! You are living in a GRACE PERIOD! You are a LOAN on FORBEARANCE. A LOAN established by GOD that only can be paid off by the MAN HE CHOOSES FOR YOU! (Slap yo neighbor, that JUST came to me! lol)
Yeah, so after I got 2Face completely out of my system (I literally had to be detoxed and purged because I was in so deep) I found myself attracting the same kind of guys. I hadn't fully forgiven him or myself. FORGIVENESS is the medicine the doctor (GOD) will prescribe to you AFTER you've been worked on. This medicine ensures you don't catch any kind of infections after your surgery. So after I forced myself to take that medicine. That's when I started to attract different kind of men. I'm still single though, I'm guessing I'm still in my GRACE PERIOD *wink* (it's a beautiful place though) lol. Nevertheless, any man who thinks he's interested in SHE ME HER gone know from jump....YA KNOW MY LOVE HAS A LIMIT!
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