Unbreak My Heart, God

A few days ago I sat in my castle meditating after experiencing an emotional breakdown. As I traveled through my thoughts I began to count how many times I’ve experienced a broken heart. I counted three major heartbreaks. My first heartbreak happened when I was 20 after my first boyfriend told me he didn’t want to work on our relationship. I remembered being so distraught and hurt, I left out of my home during a snow storm and walked. I had no destination whatsoever. I just walked and cried.

I didn’t know how to treat that broken heart the RIGHT WAY, so I embarked upon a journey of careless yet perpetrated assaults on other people’s hearts. This led me right into MY SECOND HEARTBREAK. I thought I could handle being in a FRIEND’S WITH BENEFITS relationship with someone, but I couldn’t. When this thing BLEW UP in my face and I found out I was just a chess piece in a game that I SIGNED UP for, it pained me. It hurt me more when I found out I wasn’t the only woman in this game and it was like torture, since those old wounds from the previous break hadn’t really healed. This pain was like DEATH! This was the heartbreak that contributed to me contemplating suicide and ultimately what sent me to GOD.

My third heartbreak happened this year to be exact with the falling out of my bestfriend and I. I can’t really go into to full detail about the contributing factors of this fall out because to be honest I don’t even know what really happened. One minute we were cool the next…POP GOES THE WEASLE AND THE WEASLE GOES POP! Nevertheless, that hurt me. It still hurts me.

Now, in between those major heartbreaks were circumstances that attributed to multiple minor heartbreaks. And it seems like these little heartbreaks bother me just as much as the big ones. I like to compare it to those irritating paper cuts, them suckers bleed and cause a lot of pain. How many heartbreaks, major and/or minor, can a heart withstand before breaking down for GOOD? Would God even allow that to happen to His beloveds? I mean, I really wouldn’t want that happen to me. So I cried out to Him, “UNBREAK MY HEART, GOD!”

One evening, I was out with an acquaintance. As I was talking I was wheezing like crazy. (I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 13) Needless to say, he told me to stand up and breathe in and out while he placed one hand on my back and his other hand right above my ribcage. What he said next hit me hard. He said, “Tanzy you have a broken heart.” I scrunched up my face and responded. “What? I don’t think so, sir.” I was irritated because he READ me real good! That was about two months ago. Present day, I’ve been having issues breathing even AFTER using my pump.

I began to wonder, my breathing issues could be due to my asthma but maybe it COULD be that I have a broken heart. Oh WOE IS TANZY! She shouts, “UNBREAK MY HEART, GOD!”

I had to connect the dots. Years of self neglect, LOVE ABUSED, looking for LOVE in all the wrong places, putting too much into the wrong people, places, things, and ideas = a BROKEN HEART.

Some of these situations of course I had to accept, that, I PUT MY OWN SELF IN! Can you admit to that? Can you say that you’ve been an active player in the breaking of your heart? Have your careless actions caught up to you? Have you been putting your hope into, PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS, AND IDEAS, only to be left alone STRANDED on an open field with nothing but a cracked or broken heart? What do WE do about this? How do we get pass this? I tell you one thing, we won’t be able to go anywhere further if we don’t take care of our BROKEN HEARTS! FOR REAL FOR REAL!

                                                           

Psalm 71: 20-21
“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.”

Understand this, God was and IS the best open heart surgeon out’chere in these streets! When we said YES to Him, He CREATED IN US A CLEAN HEART, remember? But we find ourselves getting that clean heart DIRTY again when we go out and about, DOING US. We give our hearts to people who were never ever equipped or employed to handle such fragile material. These people inevitably, drop, kick, step on, and BREAK our hearts. And we walk away with the mess that’s left, disappointed, hurt, you know feeling some type of way. God sees this ALL and like the loving FATHER HE is, He attempts to FIX the problem. But what do WE do? Huh? We hold on to the pain. The pain held hostage, turns into RESENTMENT AND BITTERNESS that rests in the cracks of a heart that used to be CLEAN AND WHOLE. Years pass and now WE CAN’T BREATHE! Our broken hearts have CAUGHT UP TO US!

I’m so tired y’all! You feel me? I’m tired of dealing with this! I’m tired of trying to sew stitches into my heart. That hurts too you know? I’m tired of crying and going over this. So I’m going to give THIS to God. If you’re in the same boat, YOU should gone on ahead and make an appointment to see GOD! I’ve already made my appointment to see Him so I can tell Him without hesitation, “UNBREAK MY HEART, GOD