50 Shades of Jacked Up

This weekend was a weekend of deep reflection for me. As I have been in extreme reflective mode since this new year began, it's a different feeling when God shows you something about yourself that you never knew was even an issue. And that is when you have to accept that you're 50 SHADES OF JACKED UP! Ha! Change that frown though, honey. This is actually a good thing. You see, you can't make any changes with yourself if you don't confront what needs to be changed. Furthermore, you most definitely can't change anything that you don't think needs changing. Hear this, when God shows you that issue, my friend it is AN ISSUE that NEEDS TO BE CHANGED!

God showed me my jacked up ways this past Saturday. I was feeling miserable because I was suffering from one of my typical allergic spells, sneezing and hacking all over the place, chile! lol Well, in the midst of a sneezing fit, I recieved a call from one of my sister's in Christ asking me if I would do a praise dance routine for one of the dopest spoken word artists in Chicago. She told me the name of the song she wanted me to dance to and I, without hesisitation agreed. I started to regret that decision when I listened to the song because I realized this would be a challenging song to dance to in regards to routine. Then, I'd forgotten about my volunteer plans that were set for the day and the dinner date I'd agreed to go on with another sister the SAME day as the event! Oh and I also forgot I'd told my mom I would help her do something that I'd forgotten to do the day before. ALL OF THOSE AGREEMENTS immediately caused a huge headache. I heard God say, "Tanzy you need to rest."

Despite the way I was feeling, I tried to rely on my own expertise to create a routine only to be left frustrated. I sat the scraps of what I'd come up with to the side to play Martha Stewart and put up curtains to replace the hideous shades covering my windows! I heard God loud and clear again while hammering away, "Tanzy you need to rest." I stubbornly continued to hammer through my headache that grew the size of Mount Kilamanjoro! Ok so, imagine me standing on a step stool trying to put curtains up while sneezing uncontrollably. I heard God for the last time, 'Tanzy you NEED to rest!"

I argued back while in bed, "I got to volunteer at this time and I have to do that thing for my mom. And I have to make up this dance!" He wasn't hearing it, He made me go to sleep. When I woke up from my rest He still wouldn't allow me to do anything. Fast forward to the next day, I felt refreshed but weak in my spirit. Plus, God had yet to give me anything else for this dance. Sunday service gave me a much needed boost. Yet the dread of being unprepared for something I agreed to, lurked behind me.

Made it to the venue later that evening still with the scraps in my hands, a bag full of insecurites on one shoulder and a duffel bag of weaknesses hanging on the other, wondering how the heck was I going to do this? I ran to the nearest unpopulated place, a dusty creepy hallway, listened to the words and the song sounded different. The words were speaking to me instead of singing to me, "Will your heart and soul say,"Yes?" If I told you what I really need?" I knelt down and cried. God said, "Tanzy, just trust me."

When it was finally time to dance, I not only commanded the atmosphere to shift but I stole the atmosphere altogether! The dance was everything it needed to be! I came into my castle later that night, body sore, feet dirty, ponytail popped, and the little makeup I wore that day GONE! But my heart was happy and my spirit was relieved because I'd danced away those insecurites and weaknesses! I flopped in my bed and God said, "I need you to stop reacting impusively and impatiently to things that you deem challenging. I need you to stop trying to control everything. You can't rehearse My plans for you, before they manifest. You can't rehearse your reactions and responses to events before they even happen. Tanzy I need you to rest."

He showed me all the times I made decisions based on impulse whenever I came across an unfavorable situation and when I let my impatience cause me to make moves whenever I felt I was in a tight space. But that wasn't it, this is when it got REAL DEEP! He told me, "You need to stop rehearsing your past. It's holding you in a dry place. You need to stop rehearsing your response to My love that I'm trying to give you through others." JESUS!

I didn't know I was doing this. But it explained all of those awkward moments when someone would tell me they loved me or give ne encouragement, or do something nice for me and I'd give them a blank expression or a delayed generic sometimes nonchalant response. All of this I would blame on my history of being used empty, kicked to the curb, and written off as invaluable. This is why He brought up my past and tied it to my present behavior. Somebody say, 50 SHADES OF JACKED UP!

I can honestly say that, large portions of my life as a woman of God have been rehearsed. I anticipate any and evey event and I have a rehearsed response for every one of them. That's one serious CONTROL FREAK. And I tend to do this because, I HATE surprises! I don't like being caught off guard. I don't like anything that will force me to show too much emotion. I prefer to KNOW when things are going to happen. Ha! Do you see why God refused to allow me to rehearse for this dance? I needed to say "YES" to God being in COMPLETE CONTROL and I needed to TRUST that things would go according His plan. Can anybody else admit that they are 50 shades of jacked up?

Ezekial 16:6, 8-10 

"Then I passed by you and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood. I said to you in your blood, "Live!" When I passed by you again and saw you, behold, you were at the age for love, and I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness; I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord God, and you became mine.  Then I bathed you with water and washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil.  I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk."

Every now and then, we find ourselves back in a toddler state playing in our poop. Rolling in our mess with no clue that we're even doing it. But because we serve such an awesome, patient, and compassionate God, we are given the opportunity to be picked up and cleaned up! The only thing is this, you have to be WILLING. You have to want Him to create in you a clean heart and renew in you a right spirit. Understand, just like we have to keep our physical bodies clean, we have to keep our spiritual bodies clean. It's a continuous process.

I won't lie to you, it may be painful sometimes but it's so worth it. Where you're going requires you to be immunized on a regular basis. My testimony is just an example that just because you're saved, it doesn't mean you're FIXED. It doesn't mean you're perfect or have it altogether. It doesn't mean you don't need God's attention or 24/7 surveillance. I dare you, I dare you to take your 50 shades of jacked up self, and ask God to work on you for this next phase of your life. You'll like the way you'll look. I guarantee it! ;-)