Isaiah 64:8
Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
In partial continuation of my last post Broken Bricks and dabbing fists with my post Diamonds & Pearls, I'm inclined to remain transparent with you all in order to prove my point.
So after my love life handed me a bag of stale crushed Flamin' Hots and slapped my freeze pop out of my hands, I hated myself.
I did not like anything about me.
I became my worst enemy.
(And I'm a poet and don't even know it ha!)
Not only that, my self-esteem was shot and my self-worth was at a critical all time low. No longer stewing in the thoughts of revenge, I was left with cleaning up the mess that I'd played a part in creating. But, I was like a baby playing in doo-doo. I was somewhat disinterested in really taking inventory and assessing my funk, because I didn't believe that it was actually a necessity.
What I ended up doing was building around this junk. I threw myself into ministry cultivating this spurious garden of "good works." I became fiercely vain and superficial. I don't know how much money I spent on clothes, shoes, weaves, anything cosmetic that would afford me the ability to keep up with this charade that I was perfect and had it all together. I also notoriously compared myself to others, especially those whom I really didn't know, which funded my voracious competitiveness.
I kept all of this under wraps with my outward presentation.
I was doing this surprisingly, in conjunction with developing my alone time with God. God had introduced me to a beautiful effervescent world filled with worshipful praise, that I'd never experienced before with a lyrical road-map that gave me just enough confidence to leave my parents' nest in order to continue this flame that had sparked between us.
He had my undivided attention.
I was in love!
However, I wasn't expecting Him to point at areas of myself that needed His, matter of fact OUR immediate attention.
I didn't want to deal with this because the roots of these issues hurt so much. I failed to realize that in my avoidance, I was only feeding dysfunctional habits that attached itself to my personality like a disease.
One day in the late spring or summer of 2010, I was at home in my little cozy studio apartment in Hyde Park. I didn't have to go to class nor work or church. I had made no plans to do anything for the day because I was stuck in myself. I was depressed as hell from scratch with scarce ingredients. It was late in the afternoon, I hadn't bathed or eaten. I'd been in bed all day crying my eyes out.
Every time I thought about my particular makeup as a woman, my heart would explode to smithereens. I didn't understand parts of who I was and what I did understand agitated me. Every time I thought about the mean words that were spit at me in passing, I blamed it on my makeup.
I felt like what made me different was a curse.
I believed that every harsh word ever spoken to me was a direct reflection of my peculiar nature.
I felt flawed and ugly.
I equated my abbreviated experiences with men in particular as a representation of how God really felt about me.
I finally decided to take a shower, really just to persist in my self-loathing weep fest. I cried so hard to the point my ribs and chest ached. Got out of the shower and was briefly elated that the steam had fogged up the mirror where I couldn't see my reflection. I didn't bother to wipe it away either.
That's how badly, I could not stand the sight of myself.
With a bath towel wrapped around me, I walked into the room where my bed was situated in front of my closet with two floor length mirrors as sliding doors. Then I heard God say,
"Take the towel off and sit down in front of the mirror."
There was a perfect space that my bed had not blocked and that's exactly where God was telling me to sit. I reluctantly sat down and refused to look at myself. He begin to speak to my womanhood and it was if He was kissing cracks in my soul that life had inflicted upon me.
I sat there for about an hour to register these sayings of God and then I climbed into bed. It felt like I was climbing into His lap of fire where He soothed me. Then in the days, months, and years to come, I would engage in what would seem like a never ending roller coaster ride of self-discovery, self-mastery, and self-love.
It's been a blissful and sometimes heartbreaking and sobering (when I've gotten beside myself and felt like I no longer needed God) experience, but I'm so very grateful for every moment. I had a dream the end of this past week, where I walked out of my old closet with those sliding mirrored doors holding a small treasure chest.
In that small treasure chest was a bunch of actual makeup some were brand new others were partially used. I was on my knees looking through this chest wondering where it all came from and if I should take some for myself when I'd so happened to look up.
I saw a woman wearing a beautiful canary yellow ball gown with a thigh high split on the left side.
She was gracefully walking up the spiral staircase. Beaming with joy and liberation, she reached the top of the stairs and spun around. I smelled a fragrance of life and heaven. Butterflies surrounded her and her girlish giggles sounded like wind chimes. She raised her head to admire what appeared to be an aquarium in the ceiling full of colorful fish.
Then I heard, "This is you!"
I took this as a pleasant reminder for me. I will never forget it.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us have confidence, then, and approach God's throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it.
I want to invite you, to go to a place where only lovers go. (In my John Legend voice) No seriously, there is a place, a breathtakingly, awe-inspiring place in God that He's built for people whom this world, society, and even other people, have convinced that life should be spent running on a hamster wheel aimed towards perfection.
He's saying, "You are My prized possession. What you think are flaws are what I love. The less you appeal to them. The more you appeal to Me. When you don't love you, you take your love away from Me. When you won't accept you. You can't accept Me."
So after my love life handed me a bag of stale crushed Flamin' Hots and slapped my freeze pop out of my hands, I hated myself.
I did not like anything about me.
I became my worst enemy.
(And I'm a poet and don't even know it ha!)
Not only that, my self-esteem was shot and my self-worth was at a critical all time low. No longer stewing in the thoughts of revenge, I was left with cleaning up the mess that I'd played a part in creating. But, I was like a baby playing in doo-doo. I was somewhat disinterested in really taking inventory and assessing my funk, because I didn't believe that it was actually a necessity.
What I ended up doing was building around this junk. I threw myself into ministry cultivating this spurious garden of "good works." I became fiercely vain and superficial. I don't know how much money I spent on clothes, shoes, weaves, anything cosmetic that would afford me the ability to keep up with this charade that I was perfect and had it all together. I also notoriously compared myself to others, especially those whom I really didn't know, which funded my voracious competitiveness.
I kept all of this under wraps with my outward presentation.
I was doing this surprisingly, in conjunction with developing my alone time with God. God had introduced me to a beautiful effervescent world filled with worshipful praise, that I'd never experienced before with a lyrical road-map that gave me just enough confidence to leave my parents' nest in order to continue this flame that had sparked between us.
He had my undivided attention.
I was in love!
However, I wasn't expecting Him to point at areas of myself that needed His, matter of fact OUR immediate attention.
I didn't want to deal with this because the roots of these issues hurt so much. I failed to realize that in my avoidance, I was only feeding dysfunctional habits that attached itself to my personality like a disease.
One day in the late spring or summer of 2010, I was at home in my little cozy studio apartment in Hyde Park. I didn't have to go to class nor work or church. I had made no plans to do anything for the day because I was stuck in myself. I was depressed as hell from scratch with scarce ingredients. It was late in the afternoon, I hadn't bathed or eaten. I'd been in bed all day crying my eyes out.
Every time I thought about my particular makeup as a woman, my heart would explode to smithereens. I didn't understand parts of who I was and what I did understand agitated me. Every time I thought about the mean words that were spit at me in passing, I blamed it on my makeup.
I felt like what made me different was a curse.
I believed that every harsh word ever spoken to me was a direct reflection of my peculiar nature.
I felt flawed and ugly.
I equated my abbreviated experiences with men in particular as a representation of how God really felt about me.
I finally decided to take a shower, really just to persist in my self-loathing weep fest. I cried so hard to the point my ribs and chest ached. Got out of the shower and was briefly elated that the steam had fogged up the mirror where I couldn't see my reflection. I didn't bother to wipe it away either.
That's how badly, I could not stand the sight of myself.
With a bath towel wrapped around me, I walked into the room where my bed was situated in front of my closet with two floor length mirrors as sliding doors. Then I heard God say,
"Take the towel off and sit down in front of the mirror."
There was a perfect space that my bed had not blocked and that's exactly where God was telling me to sit. I reluctantly sat down and refused to look at myself. He begin to speak to my womanhood and it was if He was kissing cracks in my soul that life had inflicted upon me.
I sat there for about an hour to register these sayings of God and then I climbed into bed. It felt like I was climbing into His lap of fire where He soothed me. Then in the days, months, and years to come, I would engage in what would seem like a never ending roller coaster ride of self-discovery, self-mastery, and self-love.
It's been a blissful and sometimes heartbreaking and sobering (when I've gotten beside myself and felt like I no longer needed God) experience, but I'm so very grateful for every moment. I had a dream the end of this past week, where I walked out of my old closet with those sliding mirrored doors holding a small treasure chest.
In that small treasure chest was a bunch of actual makeup some were brand new others were partially used. I was on my knees looking through this chest wondering where it all came from and if I should take some for myself when I'd so happened to look up.
I saw a woman wearing a beautiful canary yellow ball gown with a thigh high split on the left side.
She was gracefully walking up the spiral staircase. Beaming with joy and liberation, she reached the top of the stairs and spun around. I smelled a fragrance of life and heaven. Butterflies surrounded her and her girlish giggles sounded like wind chimes. She raised her head to admire what appeared to be an aquarium in the ceiling full of colorful fish.
Then I heard, "This is you!"
I took this as a pleasant reminder for me. I will never forget it.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us have confidence, then, and approach God's throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it.
I want to invite you, to go to a place where only lovers go. (In my John Legend voice) No seriously, there is a place, a breathtakingly, awe-inspiring place in God that He's built for people whom this world, society, and even other people, have convinced that life should be spent running on a hamster wheel aimed towards perfection.
He's saying, "You are My prized possession. What you think are flaws are what I love. The less you appeal to them. The more you appeal to Me. When you don't love you, you take your love away from Me. When you won't accept you. You can't accept Me."
I don't care what has happened to you to make you feel like you're not good enough. I don't care what you think makes you flawed. YOU ARE GOOD CLAY! And God has need of you. Stop discounting yourself! You are valuable to God. God's blood is in your veins.
This is your appraisal!
Listen, you and I, will not be accepted by everyone.
That's just the nature of the beast.
Because the enemy is no longer a striking glorious being in heaven, he uses people to regurgitate his disgruntled grievances at other people. Prime candidates for his dirty work are people who have yet to find God's true definition behind their own flaws.
Does that make any sense?
If you don't have the strength to peel off these bad experiences that tarnished your view of self, or you are like I was, don't want to deal with the slimy words of others that are seemingly tangled up in your identity, because its messy and painful, then give it to God.
Consider this post as your permission to come to Him and talk to Him about these things so you can deal with them together. God is calling you out of the closet of your past and away from everything you've been using to cover up what makes you unique. Stop digging and looking for ways to hide behind generic variants of yourself.
You grieve God!
It's not going to be easy. Some things you will be able to change immediately. Some things will change over time. Other things will require acceptance. All of it will require that you involve God to work through it and to move forward into your destiny. You have to understand that you were created for a time such as this. What man has discounted and placed on the clearance rack has always been chosen by God for a purpose!
An old song my childhood choir director used to sing of which I hated but now have come to appreciate, bellows these lyrics, "The Potter wants to put you back together again." You are His good clay and He wants to put you back together because He has great use of you. (Ephesians 2:10) It's time to break out of that shell of low self-esteem and low self-confidence and be molded into the unapologetic version of yourself that God intended you to be when He first called you in your mother's womb.
This is your appraisal!
Listen, you and I, will not be accepted by everyone.
That's just the nature of the beast.
Because the enemy is no longer a striking glorious being in heaven, he uses people to regurgitate his disgruntled grievances at other people. Prime candidates for his dirty work are people who have yet to find God's true definition behind their own flaws.
Does that make any sense?
If you don't have the strength to peel off these bad experiences that tarnished your view of self, or you are like I was, don't want to deal with the slimy words of others that are seemingly tangled up in your identity, because its messy and painful, then give it to God.
Consider this post as your permission to come to Him and talk to Him about these things so you can deal with them together. God is calling you out of the closet of your past and away from everything you've been using to cover up what makes you unique. Stop digging and looking for ways to hide behind generic variants of yourself.
You grieve God!
It's not going to be easy. Some things you will be able to change immediately. Some things will change over time. Other things will require acceptance. All of it will require that you involve God to work through it and to move forward into your destiny. You have to understand that you were created for a time such as this. What man has discounted and placed on the clearance rack has always been chosen by God for a purpose!
An old song my childhood choir director used to sing of which I hated but now have come to appreciate, bellows these lyrics, "The Potter wants to put you back together again." You are His good clay and He wants to put you back together because He has great use of you. (Ephesians 2:10) It's time to break out of that shell of low self-esteem and low self-confidence and be molded into the unapologetic version of yourself that God intended you to be when He first called you in your mother's womb.
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