The Crying Game

Genesis 3:11-12

"Who told you that you were naked? God asked. "Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat?" The man answered, "The woman whom you provided for me gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate some of it." 

I'm the oldest out of three between me and my siblings. I have an older half sister but she didn't grow up with us. Needless to say, since I was technically the oldest, I placed the pressure on myself to be a good example for my sister and brother. I never gave myself room to make mistakes. I can probably count on one hand how many times I needed to be checked for doing something wrong. 

One time when I was five years old, I threw a tantrum because there was no space for me to sleep on the convertible let-out couch with my siblings and my two cousins who'd come to spend the night. I was the unlucky one who was told to go to sleep in my bedroom because there was no way five children were going to comfortably sleep on that couch. 
But I didn't care. 

I yelled out to my mom, 

"I hate you!" 

Those words burned my tongue the minute they'd come out of my mouth. My mother didn't deserve my wrath. I was just being a spoiled brat and I didn't want to admit that my feelings were hurt. As well as the fact that I was actually very much afraid of the dark. Having been used to sharing a bedroom with my younger siblings, I didn't want to be in that room by myself. 

Welp, my mother beat the ever, loving, living, stuffings out of me.  

No lies! 

And I believe I cried myself to sleep blaming everyone for my humiliating punishment.

On another occasion when I was about a year or two older, my siblings and I were outside in our backyard playing. The sun was going down, so the temperature was dropping and the mosquitoes were having a field day on our little legs and arms. I told my sister to run with me to beat my brother inside the house. But instead of simply telling my sister to run, I told her, 

"Come on! Let's leave his..."

 (insert multiple expletives here, %$@!?&#)

My mom caught the whole sentence and I was reprimanded. My sister tried to defend my honor but it was a no-go. My mother let her know she'd heard it all. 

Though I didn't receive a beatdown, I was sorely embarrassed. Especially since we had company over and I overheard my mom telling them about my potty mouth. 

I hid under my bed with my shame for the rest of the day. 

From then on, on top of watching my mouth when it came to authority figures, I also learned how to internalize my tantrums whenever I would get really upset. I'd realized in doing the latter, that if I felt as if I could not effectively articulate my stance in a respectful way after being pointed out for a mistake made, the best way to deal with it would be to shift the blame on other people. So no matter the situation, I would find a hole or gap to where I could be the victim in order to take the pressure off of my own guilt. 

One night I was watching an episode of Greenleaf, where one of the main characters caught a mad "L." (Loss) I laughed until I saw a 360 view of my life and some incidents were I'd experienced some things similar and where I vehemently insisted on playing victim in these situations of which I were NOT!

There have been cases where I was indeed a legit victim. I was blind to people's deceitfulness, naive to people's evil, and ignorant to people's manipulative ways. I walked away from these encounters disoriented and disillusioned. Yet on the flipside, there's a nice handful of cases, I will admit, where I walked away a star for drama and a high key contributor of mess. Sometimes I wasn't so careful with my mouth and some of my immature actions found me out. When this would happen, I would quickly play the crying game. I believe I've won many invisible Oscars for my performances. 

As I collected trophies for my crocodile tears, I noticed that in my inability to accept responsibility for my actions, behaviors and choices, 

I remained at a standstill. 

I wasn't able to gain much traction or make any kind of swift moves on the field until I begin to take accountability for my chaos. Until I accepted the side of my human where I was in err. You see the devil likes to easily lasso believers with condemnation when they're living like smooth criminals in denial. But he can't really do too much to a people who can without pause say, 

"Yeah, I did it! Now what?"

To be clear, we're not holding this attitude toward God but to the accuser of the brethren so that we don't morph into the accuser of the brethren! 

When we accept responsibility for our mistakes and any kind of moves made in our flesh for that matter, we graduate in our maturity and therefore are able to make large strides toward what God would have for us to do as well as acquire whatever He has set aside for us in His will. 

One of the chief groups of people who will gain God's distrust in this hour are the responsibly immature crybabies. This party will plead the fifth or point the finger with a quickness. The reason why He can't trust these type of people is because if He has to send correction their way, they will most certainly reject it, dodge it, or hide from it. 

I saw a clip the other day, of the now retired Laker's player Kobe Bryant, speaking on one of Mississippi State's star female basketball players. After her team lost to Notre Dame, he said he pulled her to the side and asked her if she'd watched the video of the game she'd just lost. She told him no and asked him why. Basically he posed the question, "What better way to become more prominent at your craft than to learn from your most recent mistakes?"

You can never learn from your mistakes if you're constantly pointing fingers at everyone but yourself. When was the last time you actually made an honest assessment of yourself when you were in the middle of something that went awry? Who was really at fault? Were you the victim or were you the culprit? Is your anger and resentment a result of an injustice that occurred beyond your control or a circumstance where you went into a thing all wrong and simply came out embarrassed? 

I tell you this, pride is the immediate encouragement of crying games. Supreme self-preservationists are doped up on pride and will bring on the water works and accusations to save face when it's time to accept some responsibility for their mishaps. They have no problem with throwing someone else under the bus, if it means they remain exempt from taking any fault. 

This was my behavior nine years ago. 

When God grabbed a hold of me, this was one of the FIRST things He came for. He came for the Adam in me. He came for that part of me that would shift blame to another person without blinking an eye. It took some getting used to, tasting my crap that is and owning it without any extra added preservatives. #GoodandTerrible 

My test came three years ago when I would serve and submit to some individuals who'd yet to be delivered from the same thing I'd been delivered from; crying games. When I tell you, they were masters at them. I counted many Golden Globes and Emmy's they should have won for their grotesquely exaggerated "Woe is Me's." In their eyes, everyone was out to get them and everyone were villains and ill seekers. I believed this to be true in the beginning until, I became the donkey who was missing a tail. I lived under the bus because that's where they felt comfortable throwing me whenever they were caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing. 

If I wasn't their fixer, I was their rag-doll. 

Only God could have escorted me out of this situation with my right mind because I almost lost it few times. The intense level of foolery they needed to keep up with these games was out of this world! When my physical removal was prompted, I didn't argue with God. However, the real struggle has been in my mind. Lately, I've noticed a comfort in going back to my old ways as it pertains to my aversion for holding self accountable for my errors. God has had to check me a few times with a stern, "Why did you do that?" 

A question that pricks my heart every time! He's had to blast me whenever I felt tempted to pull an Adam with, "Well, this wouldn't have happened if they hadn't....or if YOU didn't tell me..." Some nerve right? 

Present day, God is currently breaking down and reconfiguring me in this area and I've been accepting the terms and conditions willingly. I don't want to be someone He can't send correction to because I definitely don't want to be someone He's entrusted with much but can't trust me with more because I'm deficient in my maturity and severely outdated in my proficiency, efficiency, and prominence. 

May I, invite you to join me on this quest to simply be better?