Proverbs 27:4
Wrath is cruel and anger is a flood, but who can withstand jealousy?
"Jealousy is the reflection of one ignoring the deep pain of separating from their own light whilst others move on in theirs.” Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations, p 96
“JEALOUSY is nothing more than self-fury. It is a personal attack on yourself for not doing what you knew had to be done, which is then vented outward to those who are doing what there is to be done.”Serge Benhayon Esoteric Teachings & Revelations, p 123
I was NOT expecting to go here at all. I definitely told myself I would never go here! Despite my protests, I've been provoked by God to go here.
Before I take you down a very spooky place in my life, I must inform you that it is imperative that we monitor our relationships and what they bring out of us. If they are of God, they should charge us, sharpen us, and even motivate precious hidden treasures in our souls to be recognized.
Before I take you down a very spooky place in my life, I must inform you that it is imperative that we monitor our relationships and what they bring out of us. If they are of God, they should charge us, sharpen us, and even motivate precious hidden treasures in our souls to be recognized.
Yet on the flip-side, if our relationships are not of God, they will resurrect every unholy thing that we've attempted to bury.
That's exactly what happened to me a few years ago while in a spiritual covenant with someone I was submitted to. While fairly new to a church I used to attend, I made the premature decision to tell someone that I was intrigued by their male friend. Without my permission, she told his mother, who called me one afternoon to confirm this.
I was taken aback by the call.
Nevertheless, I was an honest damsel and openly expressed my interest.
I was taken aback by the call.
Nevertheless, I was an honest damsel and openly expressed my interest.
Little did I know, his mother would use this tidbit of information to fuel her unrelenting mission to break me down. Because upon meeting her, I was very stoic and guarded. In her mind; I needed to be dissolved. So this information she'd received from someone else and then approved by me, was like winning the jackpot.
One early morning some time later, she called me harassing me about a private matter I'd shared with her son in confidence. It had caught me completely off guard, so I barked back. I didn't feel like this was a conversation I needed to have with her.
Needless to say, she would ultimately declare WAR!
Needless to say, she would ultimately declare WAR!
Literally, early the next morning, she called me using the little information she knew about me and begin to claw at me. Instead of being snarky and abrasive like the day before, she disguised her method of madness as, "motherly advice."
In so many words, she told me that I was not her son's type, that he didn't like girls with red hair (because I'd colored my hair a cherry cola red), and it was basically too wild (in it's natural state with no chemicals).
Also, that I was nothing compared to his ex girlfriend, having few acknowledgeable accomplishments.
She basically went for the jugular.
Also, that I was nothing compared to his ex girlfriend, having few acknowledgeable accomplishments.
She basically went for the jugular.
My spirit broke in half. And then I felt a familiar jealous rage raise up in me. The same kind of jealous rage I'd been introduced to years ago if you all can recall me describing in my post Broken Bricks.
That thing literally broke through the soil of my soul like a zombie in Michael Jackson's Thriller. It was ravenous and looking for something to feed off of.
I panicked and phoned an available acquaintance crying,
"Why am I never good enough?"
Unfortunately, this acquaintance was actually in company with the person whom I'd confided in months prior, and...my acquaintance had me on speakerphone. #GoodandTerrible
Sounds like something from a movie or a TV show does it not?
I believe you guys are very astute. If you were to guess what would transpire with the blood of my heart in this conversation and where it ended up, you would be right. Tuh...
It got back to this woman and was used to reel me in closer.
In my naivete and my desires to simply be loved and accepted for who I was, I turned off every alarm warning me that she was dangerously disingenuous, and I gave her my naked self. I gave her my fears. I gave her my wounds.
I even gave her my loyalty and unconditional love.
I even gave her my loyalty and unconditional love.
I would suffer for two years because of this decision.
Everything that I fought to keep dead was erected and everything my blood, sweat, and tears built, even the stuff I was trying to build, came crashing down.
Everything that I fought to keep dead was erected and everything my blood, sweat, and tears built, even the stuff I was trying to build, came crashing down.
The enemy hired a demonic demolition crew in the form of this toxic arrangement to destroy my little peaceful life.
Anyway, it would be close to the latter part of the second year where I would finally come to grips with the fact that this woman, was actually very jealous of me.
My little Tinkerbell jealousy was no match for hers.
Her jealousy was indeed as cruel as the grave.
The only reason it took me so long to figure it out was because I no longer had a clue of who I was anymore. I was brainwashed into believing that I was not good enough unless I could be used for something that made everybody else look good. This forced me BACK to that woman who could not look herself in the mirror. Who could not stand her difference. Who was insecure and in desperate need of affirmation.
If there was any shame left in me, it's burning at the altar as I share this.
One spring afternoon, somehow I was finessed into attending a Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight party hosted by a family member of this woman whom I'd now made my spiritual mother. We were lounging in a living area when her friend paid me a compliment. I lit up and thanked her. But I immediately shrunk back within myself because I was so insecure and broken on the inside, I looked for my spiritual mother's approval to accept her friend's compliment.
I had not won her approval.
I would find this out, when the girls chat was intentionally shifted to the subject of her son's ex girlfriend. Mind you, I was not romantically involved with her son.
She would never allow it.
However, she knew this gesture would still eat me up inside.
She pulled her phone out and showed her friend a picture of the girl and then asked me if I wanted to see it. I respectfully declined. She offered to show me again. And, I declined.
We exchanged some tense words later on about my response and she told me in so many tangy words that I needed to work on my self esteem. #Splendid.
That following winter we would have a pronounced war with words because of something else I'd said or done that offended her (she was easily triggered by offense) and when I refused to be berated she took to social media and posted the picture of her son's ex girlfriend with a caption that read something close to this, "You look so beautiful in this picture! I love you, daughter."
I immediately felt rejected and that rejection fed my jealousy. I was jealous that this girl seemed to still command so much love and respect from my spiritual mother even though she'd long since left the scene. Regardless of the fact that I was being treated like a flaming rag on a stick, I was jealous of this seemingly perfect girl and the fact that my spiritual mother was fawning over her.
I was jealous of a girl I didn't know.
Now that this jealous beast was wide awake in me, I had to take care of it by stalking this girl's social media pages. Sadly, I had fallen for the trap set before me by Cruella Deville.
I mean my spiritual mother.
I then became very paranoid, untrusting, and tirelessly competitive. I had regressed so far back to a dead version of myself it was frightening to accept.
On top of that, I was so blinded in my own jealousy that I didn't know that behind the scenes my spiritual mother was tearing up my name. Before this, I'd probably dodged two or three rumors in my day. But when I tell you, the lies, fairytales, and fantasies that were tagged to my name, my character, and my reputation were terrible.
I had officially come into contact with my Saul, a king in the Bible who grew jealous of his spiritual son, David.
My spiritual mother's javelins were as fierce as hell and she was successful in recruiting her son to assist in her emotional and spiritual torments.
I believe I've made you uncomfortable enough. We can leave my gravesite now.
Though I walked away from this, terribly wounded. My wounds, I discovered, were filled with golden nuggets.
I learned that jealousy is actually a symptom of a far greater issue going on deep down in the heart of man.
Jealousy is reactionary. Sort of like someone breaking out in hives after eating something they're allergic to.
Jealousy almost always is a tell-tell sign or response to some insecurities lodged away someplace where one would care not to ever let see the light of day.
I tell you the honest to God truth, there will always be some light in a day designated for whatever insecurity you refuse to deal with it. The light will not come from the sky but from a person to expose it when you least expect it. The confidence of one person will blasts rays of light magnifying the insecurities in another person.
In this season, I've been made privy of two things that will transpire rapidly.
Those hoarding eroding insecurities like contraband and have been molded into tornadoes of terror wreaking havoc in the kingdom in order to cope, will be prescribed with a very aggressive high dosage of deliverance. God will not sit by and allow His sons and daughters to continue on another season this way.
Jealousy is NOT OF GOD! It must be burned away.
Though His word says that He is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14), His jealousy is NOT our jealousy! Not by a long shot! Where His jealousy is just another extension of His ferocious unrelenting love, ours is nothing but our pregnant insecurities walking around with weird cravings. Don't play! God chastens whom He loves!
My own jealousy and jealous tendencies bumped me up on the list of candidates in need of God's consuming fire to burn them to ash so that they could NEVER be resurrected again.
He's coming after the jealous ones! I said, He's coming after the jealous ones who've been exhausting toxic fumes and starting strange fires polluting His kingdom.
Deliverance will be ugly for you if you are a jealous one, so that you may burn beautifully in the end.
The second happening will be with the victims of the jealous ones.
Hear this, I was so used to my spiritual mother turning truths into weapons of mass destruction instead of tools for teaching, that I became highly allergic to any form of medicinal correction after my departure from her.
She would use the truth to kill my spirit, not to check my flesh. Matter of fact, she adored me when I was in my flesh, because my flesh never made her uncomfortable, my spirit did.
Welp, as God did so for me, He's going to do so for you. If you've indeed been impaled by the fiery javelins of someone else, He's going to circumcise your heart and lay it bear to kiss it whole. He will pursue you unceasingly. He's going to come after your self esteem, self confidence, self worth, self image and build it up with continuous reminders of who you are and affirmations of who He's called you to be. He's going to invest state of the art reinforcements in you so that moving forward it will be virtually impossible for any man to illegally penetrate and violate you! Everyone will know that you have been claimed by Him!
This is a season of intense chastening. God is coming like a fire and flood. First the fire to burn away impurities to make things new and then a flood to wash away imperfections and residue from the burning.
Make way for His chastening.
If there was any shame left in me, it's burning at the altar as I share this.
One spring afternoon, somehow I was finessed into attending a Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight party hosted by a family member of this woman whom I'd now made my spiritual mother. We were lounging in a living area when her friend paid me a compliment. I lit up and thanked her. But I immediately shrunk back within myself because I was so insecure and broken on the inside, I looked for my spiritual mother's approval to accept her friend's compliment.
I had not won her approval.
I would find this out, when the girls chat was intentionally shifted to the subject of her son's ex girlfriend. Mind you, I was not romantically involved with her son.
She would never allow it.
However, she knew this gesture would still eat me up inside.
She pulled her phone out and showed her friend a picture of the girl and then asked me if I wanted to see it. I respectfully declined. She offered to show me again. And, I declined.
We exchanged some tense words later on about my response and she told me in so many tangy words that I needed to work on my self esteem. #Splendid.
That following winter we would have a pronounced war with words because of something else I'd said or done that offended her (she was easily triggered by offense) and when I refused to be berated she took to social media and posted the picture of her son's ex girlfriend with a caption that read something close to this, "You look so beautiful in this picture! I love you, daughter."
I immediately felt rejected and that rejection fed my jealousy. I was jealous that this girl seemed to still command so much love and respect from my spiritual mother even though she'd long since left the scene. Regardless of the fact that I was being treated like a flaming rag on a stick, I was jealous of this seemingly perfect girl and the fact that my spiritual mother was fawning over her.
I was jealous of a girl I didn't know.
Now that this jealous beast was wide awake in me, I had to take care of it by stalking this girl's social media pages. Sadly, I had fallen for the trap set before me by Cruella Deville.
I mean my spiritual mother.
I then became very paranoid, untrusting, and tirelessly competitive. I had regressed so far back to a dead version of myself it was frightening to accept.
On top of that, I was so blinded in my own jealousy that I didn't know that behind the scenes my spiritual mother was tearing up my name. Before this, I'd probably dodged two or three rumors in my day. But when I tell you, the lies, fairytales, and fantasies that were tagged to my name, my character, and my reputation were terrible.
I had officially come into contact with my Saul, a king in the Bible who grew jealous of his spiritual son, David.
My spiritual mother's javelins were as fierce as hell and she was successful in recruiting her son to assist in her emotional and spiritual torments.
I believe I've made you uncomfortable enough. We can leave my gravesite now.
Though I walked away from this, terribly wounded. My wounds, I discovered, were filled with golden nuggets.
I learned that jealousy is actually a symptom of a far greater issue going on deep down in the heart of man.
Jealousy is reactionary. Sort of like someone breaking out in hives after eating something they're allergic to.
Jealousy almost always is a tell-tell sign or response to some insecurities lodged away someplace where one would care not to ever let see the light of day.
I tell you the honest to God truth, there will always be some light in a day designated for whatever insecurity you refuse to deal with it. The light will not come from the sky but from a person to expose it when you least expect it. The confidence of one person will blasts rays of light magnifying the insecurities in another person.
In this season, I've been made privy of two things that will transpire rapidly.
Those hoarding eroding insecurities like contraband and have been molded into tornadoes of terror wreaking havoc in the kingdom in order to cope, will be prescribed with a very aggressive high dosage of deliverance. God will not sit by and allow His sons and daughters to continue on another season this way.
Jealousy is NOT OF GOD! It must be burned away.
Though His word says that He is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14), His jealousy is NOT our jealousy! Not by a long shot! Where His jealousy is just another extension of His ferocious unrelenting love, ours is nothing but our pregnant insecurities walking around with weird cravings. Don't play! God chastens whom He loves!
My own jealousy and jealous tendencies bumped me up on the list of candidates in need of God's consuming fire to burn them to ash so that they could NEVER be resurrected again.
He's coming after the jealous ones! I said, He's coming after the jealous ones who've been exhausting toxic fumes and starting strange fires polluting His kingdom.
Deliverance will be ugly for you if you are a jealous one, so that you may burn beautifully in the end.
The second happening will be with the victims of the jealous ones.
Hear this, I was so used to my spiritual mother turning truths into weapons of mass destruction instead of tools for teaching, that I became highly allergic to any form of medicinal correction after my departure from her.
She would use the truth to kill my spirit, not to check my flesh. Matter of fact, she adored me when I was in my flesh, because my flesh never made her uncomfortable, my spirit did.
Welp, as God did so for me, He's going to do so for you. If you've indeed been impaled by the fiery javelins of someone else, He's going to circumcise your heart and lay it bear to kiss it whole. He will pursue you unceasingly. He's going to come after your self esteem, self confidence, self worth, self image and build it up with continuous reminders of who you are and affirmations of who He's called you to be. He's going to invest state of the art reinforcements in you so that moving forward it will be virtually impossible for any man to illegally penetrate and violate you! Everyone will know that you have been claimed by Him!
This is a season of intense chastening. God is coming like a fire and flood. First the fire to burn away impurities to make things new and then a flood to wash away imperfections and residue from the burning.
Make way for His chastening.
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